By Jake Zabski
I like to call the thoughts that occupy my anxious brain “Fantasyland.” Often, our anxious thoughts are never the actual reality of what we are worrying about. Anxiety is a funny disorder, it leads us to believe things are either going completely wrong or it also can lead us to have a heightened response to something that maybe is not as stressful as we think it is. I know that for me, I like coining my anxious thoughts as fantasies because it allows me to view them as just that, something that is not real. Fantasyland isn’t necessarily a horrible place to live, but maybe it’s just not ideal.
Fantasyland to me is split into two separate regions. In one part of Fantasyland, I’m living my ultimate dream of living in a small beach-side cottage on Cape Cod with a chocolate labrador at my foot and a late summer sunset basking through the window. Parked outside is a two-door Jeep Wrangler, and a hammock overlooking the ocean. In this fantasy, I am one with the world around me and I feel the most at peace. There are no obligations in this dream, no responsibilities, just peace of mind. I wish my brain would live in this world more often, but my anxiety does not let this happen often.
My brain tends to love to hang out on the other side of Fantasyland. Instead of the beach, my shack is located on the side of an active volcano. Each time the volcano erupts, the lava symbolizes a new worry or panic. It’s not exactly the most fun environment, so why has my brain decided to set up camp here instead of on the beach? I honestly can’t tell you, other than the fact that my brain likes to root my fears in falsehood. My fears are never the truth, never the reality, and even though I may not have all the answers to a question, it doesn’t mean it’s inherently a bad thing.
As I’m getting closer to graduating, I’ve had a real fear of knowing my life post-grad is a bit uncharted and unmapped. Sure, I am returning to my past summer job managing the social media for two small businesses, but they’re just seasonal. I also have my dream plans to live with my best friends, but we are all in the same boat of not really knowing what lies ahead for each of us so plans are not set in stone just yet. I know that life has a weird way of working itself out as we go, but for someone with anxiety, I prefer having all the answers and plans right now. But that is just not how life works. We can plan things all we want, but sometimes they never happen or happen when we think they will, and I am learning that that is okay. Therefore, I’m choosing to focus my energy over these next few months on how I can best prepare myself for what comes next.
One way that I am preparing myself is by allowing myself to mourn the loss of my college past, it is normal and expected. I know though that just because my life may be changing into something I have not experienced before, it does not mean that it is bad. My best friends are like my family, and I know that I won’t go long without seeing them. In fact, we may even live together or close by each other. I know that the next chapter will be even more exciting because I won’t have to worry about assignments or academic pressure. I have the free will to do just about anything and everything, and that makes me excited for whatever path I choose.
I am also looking forward to pursuing my goals post-graduation. I plan on using my time this summer to focus on more creative projects including writing a book that I've had an idea for almost a year now and pursuing more opportunities in the writing world. While I may not be an overnight famous author, I'm writing this book more for me than anybody else but more updates on that front soon. I also want to lean into my photography skills more, perhaps taking some classes and learning how to better my hobby as part of my career. Eventually down the line, I'd like to have several different income sources and even a small business managing the social media for different people, groups, or businesses.
My brain may like to live in the neighborhood of hell in Fantasyland, but I’m working on how I can get back to my beach-side vacation home. As cliche as it sounds, everything happens for a reason. I’m entering an exciting chapter that remains unwritten. It’s time for me to put my story down and make a legacy for myself that ends on the dreamy side of Fantasyland.